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It's in the wanting to be loved,
Wherein lies our pain."

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As the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man".
William Shakespeare.

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By Nanice Ellis
Contributing Writer for Wake Up World.

Even with the highest of intentions, we are still raising our young from old paradigms that don’t work for evolving children.
The fact that teenage depression and suicide are on the rise tells us that something is very wrong.

It is easy to say that depressed kids lack self-esteem —and of course this is true — but we need to ask why?
There is a blatant and glaring reason that an epidemic of depression infiltrates our young. If you are a parent, this might be a difficult topic to embrace because it often makes us feel powerless, but when you understand the real reasons why kids are chronically depressed, you have the power to help your child turn it around.
I was a suicide outreach counselor in New York for seven years.
During this time, I counseled depressed and suicidal adolescents from ages 11 to 19 years old.

They told me things that they dare not tell anyone else. Every single one of these children was stressed out about school, whether they were doing well or not. These same children felt as if they had parents who judged them and with whom they could not confide.

These kids felt overwhelmed and alone – and each one of them was sure that they would fail in life.
It’s not teen heartbreak that makes children suicidal. It is the ongoing stress and pressure of school and parents.
Yes, as parents we want what is best for our children and we want them to grow up to be successful, but maybe our ideas of success are actually killing them. We come from an old paradigm that says, “Do good in school, get into a good college, make a good income doing whatever you need to do in order to survive, and hopefully after retirement, you will have a few good years to enjoy what is left of your life.”
We instill fear in our children by telling them that if they don’t get proper grades, their lives are doomed to failure, but failure to what?

Failure to living a joyless life. Then I say, go ahead and fail!!!

Out of our own fear, we make the idea of success more important than the spirits of our precious children. But, do grades really matter more than the emotional well-being of your child? Do you want a half-dead child with an A average, or a joyful and awake child with profound knowledge that is beyond traditional education?

I’d much rather have a child who knows his worth and knows that he can go out in the world and create anything, than a child who blindly follows along only to experience a mid-life crisis that lasts his whole life. Let’s wake up!
We’ve got it wrong and our parent’s parents got it wrong. Let’s put a halt to it right now, and stop doing what doesn’t work.
I am sharing this, not to blame anyone, but rather to inspire parents and care-givers to embrace a new paradigm that empowers our youth to wake up, step into their power and ultimately live joyful and fulfilling lives.

If we understand why our children are depressed, we have the power to help them awaken from depression, and be who they came here to be.
Although the dynamics can be complex, there are three elements that add up to adolescent depression:
Feelings of unworthiness
Feelings of powerlessness
Not having access to unconditional support of an adult
Feeling unworthy, powerless and alone is the breeding ground for teenage depression.

Wounding the Worth
Everywhere you look, children are relentlessly judged. Schools, religions, cultures and parents all judge children and tell them who they should be and how they should act, and if they fail to meet these expectations or requirements, they are punished, not just by losing privileges or failing in some way, but especially in the withholding of love, approval, and acceptance.

We don’t usually think of it this way, but the by-product of judgment is actually the withholding of love, approval and acceptance. When these emotional needs are withheld by judgmental parents and caretakers, children often believe that they are unworthy. To make matters worse, the human psyche interprets judgment as rejection, and more proof that the one being judged is not worthy – cutting to the soul of a young person who is naturally trying to find himself.

When children don’t feel worthy, they withdraw and go inside – we call it depression but it is actually a survival mechanism where they protect themselves from further rejection that comes in the form of judgment.

Virtually every emotional wound can be traced back to feelings of unworthiness. Feeling unworthy is the core wound of all wounds. The constant judgment that children go through on a daily basis often results in deep emotional wounds that effect the child all the way into adulthood and through his/her whole life.
You may not have much control about what goes on in school, but how you parent at home can make all the difference to the emotional well-being and development of your children.

We certainly don’t mean to wound our children. When we judge our kids, our intentions are often out of love and because we think that we know what’s best, but you cannot mix judgment with love. As soon as you judge, even if it is in the name of caring, love is no longer present. Our parents judged us out of love so we have entangled love and judgment together but it is time to dis-entangle, and free our children from the emotional prison of judgment.

Often we don’t even realize when we are judging. Judgment includes criticizing style, attitude and personality and focusing on what you don’t like about your child, her behavior, or any issues of lack or not being enough. If your child closes up or snaps at you, there is a good chance that she feels judged. Much of what we consider normal adolescent “bad behavior” is really a result of kids feeling judged and disrespected by adults.
Judging your child for not living up to his potential is really just a nice way of saying your child is not living up to your expectations. It is hard to believe but some children would rather die than disappoint a parent.

Even if you don’t verbalize judgment, your children can still feel it in your energy. You cannot hide judgment – it goes out energetically in your field and everyone feels it, even if you think that you are keeping it to yourself.

Making Kids Powerless
No where do we teach children about their intrinsic power as creators. Instead we teach them that they are not powerful and they can’t be trusted.
When we don’t encourage our children to make their own choices, they get the message that they are powerless, and as a result they are cut off from their intrinsic power to later create the lives they desire.

When we don’t trust our kids to make the right choices or even to make the right mistakes, they learn that they cannot trust themselves.
When we force our children to do things against their will, we train them to do what they are told, rather than listen to their own inner being.

What Your Child Does to Himself
With so much stress and pressure from the outside world, to do well in school and to fit in, children take it all on and do to themselves what the world is doing to them. In other words, they worry with chronic persistence which results in tremendous stress. As we are not meant to live in fear every day, too much of this stress can result in physical and mental disease.

The body, however, has a defense mechanism against the chronic stress caused by incessant worry.
That defense mechanism is depression.

Depression also allows a child to shut down the negative input from those around him.

Why Children Lie…
If you punish or judge your children when they tell you a truth that you don’t like, they will ultimately lie to you.
This means that if your child lies to you, it is your fault.
At any age, if you feel as if you will be judged because you have been judged by this person in the past, even if it is your mother or father, you are going to lie in order to protect yourself from judgment – from what feels like rejection, and a sentence of unworthiness.

It is a much better parenting strategy to raise children who feel as if they can talk to you about anything. This means that whatever happens or whatever they do, they can sit down and openly speak with you, without worrying that you will judge them or tell them what to do. And, then you get to be an influential parent – by really really listening, offering love and compassion, and guidance.

You are not going to stop your kids from having sex or doing drugs if they want to, but if you cut off the lines of communication because you judge them, you won’t have any ability to offer wisdom, guidance or support. Your kids will basically be making their own choices without you on their side.

It is inevitable that your children will face some big decisions in their young lives. Would you rather be a parent with whom your children can speak and ask for guidance, or a parent they can’t open up to?

Yes, your children will likely experiment in ways that make you feel uncomfortable but that is part of growing up. You can provide so much more as parent if you are a parent your kids can trust “not to judge.”

Your most important tool as a parent is communication – so, why in the world would you want to stifle it with your judgment?

The only way that you can support your children to make good choices is if you are a good model for self-empowerment and the lines of communication are open. Open communication is priceless.


Or an article about Emotional Self Abuse 
What Lack of Affection Can Do to You
Source: Hasloo Group Production Studio/Shutterstock
NB C.R.Mc. Whilst this article is American based I guess a like proportion of the material & statistics applies to us here in Australia.

Recently I wrote about Juan Mann, the founder of the “Free Hugs” movement who felt so deprived of meaningful human contact that he offered to embrace strangers on the street. Perhaps you can identify with Mann.

How often do you find yourself feeling lonely, craving more affection than you get?

Maybe you wish your spouse or partner were a bit more demonstrative of his or her love.
Maybe you’ve tried without success to get certain people in your life to be more affectionate with you, so you go on wishing for more affection than you receive.

If any of these sound familiar, then you’re experiencing a common problem known as skin hunger, and you're far from alone.

Three out of every four adults agree with the statement, “Americans suffer from skin hunger.”

More Americans / Australians live alone than ever before.
One in four Americans reports not having not a single person to talk to about important issues.
Loneliness among American adults has increased 16 percent in the last decade.

These facts help us understand the nature of skin hunger, which is both an acknowledgement that we don’t get as much affection as we need, and of our drive to get more.

We normally associate hunger with food, of course—but we don’t feel hunger simply because we want food.
We feel hunger because we need food, just as we feel thirsty because we need water, and tired because we need sleep.

Our bodies know what they require to function properly, and research suggests that affection belongs on that list, right behind food, water, and rest.

Just as lack of food, water, and rest have their detrimental effects, so too does the lack of affection.
In a recent study of 509 adults, I examined the construct of skin hunger—and the social, relational, and health deficits with which it is associated.
The results were consistent, and striking.

People with high levels of skin hunger are disadvantaged in multiple ways, compared to those with moderate or low levels.

Specifically, compared to people with less skin hunger, people who feel more affection-deprived: are less happy; more lonely; more likely to experience depression and stress; and, in general, in worse health.
They have less social support and lower relationship satisfaction.

They experience more mood and anxiety disorders, and more secondary immune disorders (those that are acquired rather than inherited genetically).

They are more likely to have alexithymia, a condition that impairs their ability to express and interpret emotion.

Finally, they are more likely to have a preoccupied or fearful avoidant attachment style; they're less likely to form secure attachments with others in their lives.

These findings don’t establish that skin hunger causes all of these negative conditions, only that people who feel highly affection-deprived are more likely than others to experience them.
If you’re one of those people, though, these findings probably come as no surprise.

Affectionate contact is so necessary for a healthy life that we suffer when we don’t get enough.

Fortunately, skin hunger doesn’t have to be a permanent condition.
Each of us has the capacity to get more affection in our lives.
In the meantime, put down your cell phone and share an affectionate moment with someone in person.
For those with skin hunger, human contact—not the technologically mediated variety—is the cure for what ails.

Ultimately through therapy we have exposed that this endless aching need of skin hunger maybe a consequence of very early shock, maybe even premature, emotional separation further exaggerated by broken families and parental abandonment.
Wether this be actual or by transference from unconscious parent emotional self dis-connection, and so in similar manner the behaviour is learnt, adopted and transferred across generations.


Upon this realisation we can heal that wound of starvation, simply release, thank and allow our naturally established "defender of separation" to relax for once and for ever.
You are safe from any separation, "No Worries"!!

Additionally consider  Maslow's Heirarchy Of Essential Needs.


Book Sibling SocietyIn his phenomenal bestseller, Iron John, Robert Bly captivated the nation with the wisdom embedded in a thousand-year-old fairy tale, creating both a cultural movement and publishing history.

Now, in Sibling Society, Bly turns to stories as unexpected as Jack and the Beanstalk and the Hindu tale of the Ganesha to illustrate and illuminated the troubled soul of our nation itself.

What he shows us is a culture where adults remain children, and where children have no desire to become adults- a nation of squabbling siblings.

Through his use of poetry and myth, Bly takes us beyond the sociological statistics and tired psychobabble to see our dilemma afresh.

In this sibling culture that he describes, we tolerate no one above us and have no concern for anyone below us.

Like sullen teenagers, we live in our peer group, glancing side to side, rather than upward, for direction.
We have brought down all forms of hierarchy because hierarchy is based on power, often abused.

Yet with that leveling we have also destroyed any willingness to look up or down.

Without that "verticle gaze," as Bly calls it, we have no longing for the good, no deep understanding of evil.
We shy away from great triumphs and deep sorrow.
We have no elders and no children; no past and no future.
What we are left with is spiritual flatness.

The talk show replaces family.

Instead of art we have the Internet.
n place of community we have the mall.

By drawing upon such magnificent spirits as Pablo Neruda, Rumi, Emily Dickenson, and Ortegay Gasset, Bly manages to show us the beautiful possibilities of human existence, even as he shows us the harshest truths.

Still, his probing is deeper and more unsettling than the usual cultural criticism.
He finds that our economy's stimulation of adolescent envy and greed has changed us fundamentally.

The Superego that once demanded high standards in our work and in our ethics no longer demands that we be good but merely "famous," bathed in the warm glow of superficial attention.

Driven by this insatiable need, ("Endless aching need") and with no guidance toward the discipline required for genuine accomplishment, our young people are defeated before they begin.

It is the young and disenfranchised who are most victimized by the sibling culture, our children and our elders and those marked as "not us" by race and economic circumstance.

In a phrase common to the ancient stories Bly uses to illustrate his themes, it is these people who we all wish to easily "throw out the window," but it is also these disenfranchised who will be waiting for us on the road ahead to claim their due.

A wake-up call, an inspiration, brilliantly original.

The Sibling Society will capture the imagination and enliven our nation's cultural debate as no other book in years.

Listen here to Robert Bly reading The Sibling Society.

Absolute recommended reading to assist understand the present International political and economic oblivion.

We have definitely lost touch and allowed the systematic sacrafice of the essential Spirit of HUMANITY for materialistic possessions. Get Big or Get out was the call from politicans and "business" leaders of the 1970's.

However over time have you ever bothered to wonder about the psychology behind or within  "Fairy Tales" such as, Little Bo Peep who lost her sheep, or The King has no clothes, & how Humpty Dumpty's Men could not care less because Hamelin town like todays political and economic society is infested with Rats.

Does this material in any way contact that rebel in you as it did with good  Old Johnny Cash?


What is love, and why are some people unable to find it?

What is loneliness, and why does it hurt?

What are relationships, and how and why do they work the way they do?

hippocratesAnswering these questions, laying bare the heart's deepest secrets, is this book's aim.

Since the dawn of our species, human beings in every time and place have contended with an unruly emotional core that behaves in unpredicted and confusing ways.

Science has been unable to help them.

The Western world's first physician, Hippocrates , proposed in 450 B.C. that emotions emanate from the brain.

He was right to a degree and for the knowledge available -but for the next twenty-five hundred years, medicine could offer nothing further about the details of emotional life.

Matters of the heart were matters only for the arts-literature, song, poetry, painting, sculpture, dance. Until now.


Grief & LossGrief and loss can put people at risk of becoming depressed.
While the signs and symptoms of grief and loss are similar, it's important to recognise the differences so the affected person can receive the most
appropriate help.


The death of a loved one is a common situation that causes grief which is relatively well understood and recognised.
However, when there are big changes in a person's life, it can also leave us with the same feeling as if something/some one has been taken away.

Losses can be large or small and the effect of multiple losses accumulates.

Common experiences of loss:

• Relationship changes - separation, divorce, and of course death of a loved one

• Job changes - unemployment, retrenchment, retirement or demotion

• Change of role - e.g. children leaving home - or becoming a carer and having one's freedom restricted.

• Loss of health through illness, disability and/or ageing

• Miscarriage, infertility - disappointment at not being able to have a child

• Separation from family and friends - e.g. moving interstate or overseas.

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