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Setting ourself up for disappointment.

Our First relationship must be with ourself. We need to truly know and be conscious that we are the LIFE that lives in our body.
We are not the unconsciously adopted thoughts, habits and behaviours of our mind, our Ego.

If and when our Ego creates any expectation, makes any judgment about each other, person,  place or thing we are immediately creating the propensity to be disappointed.

Yes disappointed should our expectation not be met.Koori Children
The effected sense of disappointment that toxic "let down" or sad feeling may leave us, 'never feeling good enough' was most likely inflicted and adopted from traumatic experience very early years in our life, even possibly before we had developed cognitive recall, our conscious ability to remember.

And so it continues to lie unwittingly buried deep within our individual self, and our national psyche, cellularly buried with fear of adopted cultural, religious & racial insecurity.

Therefore it becomes quite a shock to actually discover one's self at 35 or 40 years of age when the mid life crisis arrives to shock us into the conscious of who we really are, as against who we throught we were

Our cognitive awareness to such feeling may lie dormant within the psyche, until it becomes apparent and disturbing in these latter years.

Until we actually appreciate and deal with this very early infliction of being wounded, scarred, hurt, emotionally neglected by the sheer lack of genuine nurture, abused and abandoned it will continue to be a thorn within to readily trigger emotional discomfort, uninvited responses even anger at the simplest mention, action or aggravation.

Too many people remain deluded by avoidant behaviour, forever "looking out" for ways to stimulate some method  some way, some form of happiness and or excitement.

That abandoned, unwanted feeling shall return like night to day until we learn to "Switch on our own light of mindful awareness." Become conscious.

As adult maturity is progressively achieved  we may begin to appreciate this emotional awareness.

Then we can identify and befriend the feeling as the return of awareness from an OLD Wound, triggered yet again.

* It is in this place where sensitive therapist may gently evoke to conscious recognition, long suppressed and denied emotional sensations of grief & loss.

Those formerly witheld energetic fumes from toxically contained disappointment, shame & emotional wounds.

Progressively, through the deliberate practice of mindful conscious awareness we grow to recognise and appreciate more feelings.

Upon such identification we learn how to get our Ego out of the way,
To let healing happen as it does,
Of its own accord.
Once the dis-ease is consciously recognised.

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Life knows how to heal itself.

From the moment of conception our life has developed our bodies, kept our heart beating, lungs breathing, intestines digesting, kidneys functioning, ears hearing, etc.

Then Ego took upon itself a right of it's own adopted dysfunctional inherant learning from the environment in which it was cultured.

You are the life within the body.

You are not the Ego manifesting within the brain.

Live on with joy of mindfulness

And the very best relationships.

Once we recognise Ego it is no longer Us nor is it who we thought we were.

7 Helpful Ways

To Improve Intimacy in Your Relationship

Relationship Counselling
Good relationships don't just happen.

Many people have the attitude that
"If I have to work at it, then it can't be the right relationship".

This is not a true statement, any more than it's true that you don't have to work at good physical health through exercise, eating well, and stress reduction.

There are choices you can make that will not only improve your relationship, but can turn a failing relationship into a successful one.



1. Accept personal responsibility

It may not seem like it, but this is an incredibly important choice that you can make to improve intimacy in your relationship.

This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs and refuse to blame your partner for not making you feel happy and secure.

It means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self judgment.

Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how loving your partner is.

For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for the feelings of rejection you may experience when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, or not turned on sexually, you would explore your own feelings discover how you might be rejecting yourself.

When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your unhappiness.

Since blaming your partner for your own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.
Broken Home 2

2. Compassion, understanding and acceptance

Treat your partner the way you would like to be treated.

This is the essence of a truly spiritual life. We all yearn to be treated lovingly - with kindness, compassion, intimacy, understanding, and acceptance.
Relationships thrive when both people treat each other with a deep intimacy.

While there are no guarantees, sowing intimacy often reaps intimacy in return.

If your partner is consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself, and loving to the other, rather than reverting to anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. Kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself.

Always remember that taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is the most important thing you can do.

Seek further help such as Counselling or coaching if your partner is still not able to treat you with kindness, or as a very last resort you may need to leave the relationship.

You cannot make your partner change - you can only change yourself!

3. Be open to learning

When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding how to handle the conflict: you can become open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some form of controlling behaviour.

We've all learnt many subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want: anger, blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, care taking, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on.

None of these promotes healthy intimacy within the relationship and in fact they create even more conflict. Remembering to learn instead of controlling is a vital part of improving intimacy in your relationship.

For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships:
the fear of abandonment - of losing the other - and the fear of engulfment - of losing oneself.

When these fears get activated, most people immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behaviour. But if you choose to learn about your fears instead of attempting to control your partner, your fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually - By learning instead of controlling.

4. Make sure you have regular dates

When people first fall in love, they make time for each other.

Then, especially after getting married, life happens in all its busyness.

Relationships need time to thrive.

It is vitally important to set aside specific times to be together - to talk, play and make love.

Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together.

5. Gratitude instead of complaints.

Positive energy flows between two people when there is an "attitude of gratitude".
Constant complaints create a heavy, negative energy, which is not fun to be around.
Practise being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don't have.
Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner peace.
Gratitude creates not only intimate, emotional relationship health, but physical health as well.

6. Fun

We all know that "work without play makes Jack a dull boy". And so too does work without play make for dull relationships.

Relationships thrive when people laugh together, play together, and when humour is a part of everyday life. Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.

7. Service

A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together.

Giving to others fills the soul and makes the heart sing.

Serving moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader, more spiritual view of life.

If you and your partner agree to these 7 choices, you will be amazed at the improvement in your relationship!


This article was from the official Blog of the Australian Institute of Professional Counsellors

Please consider your Childrens Perspective when they see or hear or feeling argumentitive tension in their parents. Let this little 6 year old suggest how she sees your quarilsome angry behaviour. 

The wonderful therapist Virginia Satir encapsulated the necessary state for a pure relationship when she wrote:
satir 2
I want to love you without clutching
Appreciate you without judging
Join you without invading
Invite you without demanding
Leave you without guilt
Evaluate you without blaming
And help you without insulting
If I can have the same from you
Then we can truly meet
And enrich each other

This is the intention of our Counselling and Psychotherapy for individuals , couples and families who are experiencing difficulties in relationship.
Please don't hesitate to call and arrange or discuss an appointment before the Walls of Babylon force you and your loved one apart.

We offer day and evening appointments,  
Phone Contact +61 0412 777303

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