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DIVORCE & SEPARATION


bumble_bee
Multiplication is the name of the game and each generation just plays it the same.
So what is happening in New South Wales alone for 14,482 couples or 28,964 individuals in 2006
to have their marriages legally terminated by divorce and separation after being together
on average for 7.6 years.
There were 121,197 marriages registered and 46,498 divorces granted in Australia in 2014.
Over the past five years there has been a gradual increase in the median age at separation
and divorce.
This aligns with a gradual increase in the median age at first marriage. 

Source: Australian Bureau of Statistics
Divorce


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Maybe in this study we have actually found an explanation for the foundation of the "7 year itch", however we would like to offer an opportunity to actually study just what is happening in your relationship and why you or your partner think separation will make either or both of you happy.

Yes, sure you will be able to come and go and spend time and money as you please.

But what exactly is it that you think your partner is "doing to you" which will change in you when the offending partner is out of your life.

Reality is that each party is normally carrying their own unresolved issues and their partner is unintentionally activating those old wounds or uncomfortable sensitivities.

To deliberately activate those "BUTTONS" is outright unacceptable DOMESTIC ABUSE.


How will their absence change what is happening in you?

How do you know that your next relationship will be different to the one you think you are NOT having now?

Maybe your thinking the first few years were a honey moon period, then you started realising that things were not always so ‘rosy'.

Then you started comparing yourself to others in relationships which seemed happier, freer, more enjoyable, less arguments and stress free coupling.

Naturally dissent begins to accumulate as intuitive self protective mechanisms close down the stimulation of excitement from that once sensed lovin' feeling.

Lost to the sense of anxiety and rejection polarity rising as you hear those familiar foot steps approaching the front door or when the callers number appeared in your phone.

Even the dog picks up the vibe and moves to the laundry door for quick exit.

So just what is happening with you two who once enjoyed walking in the rain because you missed the last train home?

Surely you would like to understand what has happened to two really good long term friends.


So that you can get to know yourself better and find real joy and happiness in yourself without expecting your partner to deliver YOU to your happy place.

ATTACHMENT THEORY
Have you ever considered you may be dependent in your relationship?

Have you ever considered the possibility of having any expectation of anybody or any thing as basically setting you up for disappointment if it did not eventuate?

So maybe your happiness should not be dependent on your partner making you happy.
Do you know about and how to better manage enabling behaviour?


Here is a great old story to teach and explain about attachment.

stupidmonkey
To catch monkeys the traps are made from an empty hollowed out coconut shell which is tethered to a fixed point. The trapper cuts a small hole in the coconut just large enough for the monkey to squeeze its hand through to grab hold of the peanuts or banana placed within.

Now the monkey's intention is to win the peanuts however whilst the first is swollen by clasping the filled hand they are trapped and unless the peanuts or banana are surrended the attachment to those peanuts will see the monkey ( & you also) caught single handed.


Marriage Counselling and relationship therapy;

There are all sorts of monkey traps out there. Life is full of them.
It's a veritable minefield of snares for the unwary, waiting to make monkeys of us all.

Some are hidden.
Others are easy to spot.
But all of them depend upon our static thinking, our inability to see the true nature of a situation.

You see people yanking and hauling on that fistful of peanuts all of the time, desperate to escape the danger they see approaching, but unable to release what is really only a trinket in order to gain the greater prize.

1. Of course, the easiest way to avoid a monkey trap is not to take the bait at all.

2. However having taken the bait, the second strategy is to learn to quickly identify the inner stimuli  of the situation for what it is and reassure yourself that you are safe.

3. A third approach, one that only works if you allow yourself time to study the sensation is to the beat the trap.

Our own trap of expectation, that is.

The monkey, if it took its time and avoided the fearful state and worked on the experience, would come to realize that by turning the coconut or jar the right way he can dump the fruit on the ground and take them up a tree.

It depends on how quickly the monkey can analyze the situation-and how rapidly the hunters are closing in-whether or not that strategy will be successful.
Of course the monkey must also be able to climb with a hand full of peanuts. (This could also be the children, mortgage & untold expenses etc.)

However it's the rare monkey who can beat the trap.

Most monkeys don't see that answer, which seems so obvious to us, so this is the very reason why family and Couples  Counselling is so effective and essential for personal growth, health and development.


Here's hoping you learn to spot the monkey traps life puts in front of you and to beat them when you can.

As Counsellors we promise not to treat you like a monkey but just use this little story to help ease the understanding and benefits of Relationship Therapy.


AGE AT DIVORCE
Average relationship period recorded by the ABS for divorced couples in the 2013 statistics is 12.1 years for 44.8 year old males & 42.2 years old females.
Median age for marriage was 29.5 years for females & 31.5 years for males.

So it certainly does appear that the looming Mid Life crisis so well recorded by Melbourne based psychologist Dr PETER O'CONNOR is rather accurate given the modern day life span of approximately 84 years.

More here on Attachment Theory.

 Further articles at 7 Helpful ways to help relationships.




 
 

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