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FORMING ADULT RELATIONSHIPS

So you come together as freshmen and freshwomen right out of "big school" thinking you are "all growed up", now you can get away without Mum & Dad knowing what you are up to, free and ready to rock and roll.

As if your parents don't already know just what your likely to get up to, having walked the identical early life romantic road as yourself.


All bells and whistles, parental freedom, pretty dresses, beautiful, radiant, nubile young women and muscle bound  prancing princes, shiny, energetic, strong free spirited young stallions bearing charming persuasion and good tidings.

Late &  even later nights, without curfew or delegated family mass attendance on Sunday morning, including the possibility of taking Holy Communion to dispell any imaginings of "naughty" sinful behaviour.

Dream connections. Maud Chalard 08





























A full life ahead and such bliss and bountiful freedom to dance, laugh, learn, travel 'your oyster world' and play,
All as if these school leavers have the world to themselves.

Enjoying what ever they want, when they want it.

Such a splendid life.




Give this heaven on earth ten years and hell begins to appear on the horizon as the sun ascends our psychological passage towards mid life.
Given full "imagined knowledge" that its going to be down hill all the way to sunset unless we make a stand now.

Right now.

Now after the ten years, there are kids, night feeds, crying babies & nappy changes, huge mortgages, car payments, child care fees, rent, health funds,  clothes to buy, work commitments, and just no spare money or time to play and dance and suit yourself.

We have hit midlife.

Seemingly a crisis is upon us.
An endless situation of oppression. 
How can we possible survive?
More the point how can I survive?
Here we have arrived at a time of intense retrospection.

It certainly does appear that the looming Mid Life crisis so well recorded by Melbourne based psychologist Dr PETER O'CONNOR could become a reality. 

Such stories as this are frequent case scenarios in relationship Counselling.

Regularly these cases are driven by the woman's biological clock, (men do not realise they also have a biological clock until they hit mid life).
At this age many girls have become women and are ready to have a child, to settle down after a 10 year beach side party. 
He says "Hell no, that will mean a mortgage, kids, no pub, no mates, the end of freedom, I'm out, been nice knowing you darl, but see ya later."

For the woman who did marry at 25, h
er mid life clock treats his time going off skiing, playing cricket, surfing, or to the footy with his mates or those long over due Friday night delays as he "catches up with the blokes," as fundamental desertion which she has tolerated until now.

Help please. How can we make this relationship work?


Well here follows a note, carefully written, to assist drag a wonderful young couple in their "selubrious 4WD life" out of their snake and crocodile infested, caustic, degenerating relational "Bog Hole" by working from a solid foundation of mutual adult understanding.



Dear Hurry & Hurriet,

Here are those few words by therapist Virginia Satir that I used to close tonights counselling.

I want to love you without clutching
Appreciate you without judging

Join you without invading
Invite you without demanding
Leave you without guilt
Evaluate you without blaming
And help you without insulting
If I can have the same from you
Then we can truly meet
And enrich each other

Then there was that Neil Diamond Song The Art of Love, that we played at our first session

And Bette Midlers The Rose.  Was mentioned as a comparison to the awakening of the real self as a flower rising from the sludge, dross of the "fallen snow".

Most artists are trying to express & relay their sense of love's pain and their personal anguish as they see it.

Thank you both for being so open and willing to do the toughest work that both of you will ever be challenged by.

That challenge being the acceptance of, and rediscovery of one’s natural, real self. 

Becoming the person you were born to be before your home environment had you conditioned into obedient clones of that environment.

Before the Establishing of Conformity.
In an environment where we were carefully trained and very often unwittingly manipulated to behave, psychologically recognising it was probably "for our own good" to do so.

From early exposure to that environment we learned to avoid situations where we may have been considered lazy, too smart, cockey, or simply left with a deep sense that we were "just not good enough” to compete with our models and peers you received sincere nourishment, love and attention regardless of the behaviour or their misbehaviour.

Seems every family considers there is a "Spolit One" within the fold. 


Hence some individuals develop the insatiable, habitual drive to succeed in all endeavours at all costs.

Their internalised sense of rejection, their emotional discomfort left by deprived early nurture is witheld becoming a motivating driver, a positive motivator seeking to win at all cost.

Not wanting to be left out or singled out we went for “IT”, in many cases becoming exceedingly high achieving performers giving rise to a sense of high self esteem, with pride earned through self selection and achievement.

To demonstrate the reality of this situation you have the best teachers you could ever imagine right before you in your children.

Are they going to be clones of your transferred dysfunctional, environmental conditioning or will their be allowed to be their own person?


What model are they being raised under?

They are unique individuals who are entitled to grow from childhood into the adults they will become without being shaped and cloned by anything more than an honest sincere nurture, in a loving, safe home life.

As repeatedly mentioned we adopt "accents of behaviour" from the environment in which we are raised.
A classical piece of work by John Lennon says it all in his Working Class Hero

Similarly in relationships we must respectfully, allow, and appreciate the providence and gratification of each others individual needs.

We understand that needs must be gratified or they return with increased intensity.

This is where couples begin simmering, turning up the heat as they begin to cook each other and dangerously withdrawing from each other. 

You certainly do now know this is not some high school melodrama. This is the main event. 

As Counsellors we see both parties need to have adult attitudes and stop expecting the “immature”, possibly unknown, undeveloped parts of our selves seemingly expecting to get their own way, without appreciating your partner’s needs and sensitivity.

To become adult principally requires considerable and mindful self reflection. 

Ask yourself the question why am I feeling this way?

When was my earliest memory of feeling like this? 

What were the circumstances of that experience?

Where did I get this idea, belief, attitude from?

Where do I feel this discomfort now?

Self reflection, emotional self enquiry, to see and understand where we have developed our rigid, non negotiable, attitudes and expectations. 

What is it that makes one party so right and the other wrong? 

In other language recognising and appreciating the individual character differences. 

This is the time where a genuine relationship begins to mature and you begin to appreciate each other as adults.

With such personal reflection comes understanding, from understanding, gentleness, from gentleness, appreciation, consideration, respect and that begets tenderness, relational nurture and love.

Happiness is inner contentment, a personal matter for each individual. 

If one expects to find happiness from the world around us or from our partner we shall forever be setting ourself up to be disappointed.
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Here are a couple of links from our web site which might be of help to others who are enduring relationship difficulties.

Alexithymia

Relationship Counselling

For further assistance and Personal and Couples Counselling
Please call our reception on 02 93877355 9.00 am until 9.00 pm 7 days.

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